From Sarawak with Love, Su

Counting the days...

2009-04-27T05:12:00.001-07:00

At 4 am this morning I woke up and it hit me .. my Jeff is going to fly off in 2 hours and be away for a month !!.. A month is a long time for me .. we have never been apart willfully. The last time this happened was in 2006 when my dad passed away and that was agony as I sorted out all the funeral details plus the details of bringing him back to Singapore alone in Australia !! But this time.. we chose to be apart.. One month.

So.. it's now 8.18pm.. and I have spent the day waiting to hear the gate creak open and expecting to hear the car crawl in.. then I realise.. he's away for a month. I guess I'll get use to this.. but I am sure hearing weird things cos I think I can hear his key in the door! But I check my handphone and it's 5.18am in LA.. he has still a ways to go.. he's supposed to arrive at 12.30pm LA time. Well.. one day down.. 29 days to go :)

Tiffany rings and romantic things

2009-04-15T05:39:00.000-07:00

Last year I met a young man at a Tiffany store. He was buying a diamond ring for his girlfriend and hoping to propose to her. We had struck up a friendly conversation and when the sales lady left I told him , " For that kind of money you could easily buy a bigger diamond at the store down Orchard Rd." He gave me a tired grin and said, " Aunty I know. But the rings down the road dont come in a blue Tiffany box and silver ribbon which is what she wants."

Then a few weeks ago my friend tells me about her daughter's fantasy dream wedding and dream engagement ring..Another friend just flew to Perth to have their wedding pictures taken and another had his wedding in Bali with 100 so friends and family..

I want to tell them that long after the dress is put away and the gold round the diamond looks buffed the loans start to pile up and the baby bills start to grow. There are less romantic moments and gift giving becomes a question of simply choosing to go out for a meal.There will be moments you wondered why you ever married your partner and moments you wish you'd remained single. Nothing is private and soon the burps you thought were cute and funny become embarassingly loud and frequent . Times when you feel like shouting but you know the moment will pass. When you give up a dream so that your partner can live his or when he remains still so you can enjoy yours. The wedding ceremony loses its lustre and romance is the stuff of movies.

But...That's when "I love you "is seldom said but deeply felt. When a hand gesture is all you need to know that you're a team. New Year comes around and you want to fall asleep at 10pm cos you know tomorrow is just another day and you dont have to wait up together at some insane party to greet the morn. When the slight crease of his brow tells you the conversation will go no where and if you wait he'll come around. No need to shout, no need to stand on what's fair or not fair. You remember the small things that make you laugh and there is less and less effort to remember what made you cry. In your sleep you know if your partner is awake and when you awake it's ok if he's still asleep. When the day ends you forget the argument you had. This is the marriage , wedding rings and all.. it lasts for more than one glorious romantic day .If you're fortunate, you get to spend the rest of your life with just that one partner and no, it never gets boring. ... . And if you're patient ... he can finally afford a ring and by then you'd have learnt that it means so much more..

Good Friday

2009-04-14T08:28:00.000-07:00

We spent Good Friday ministering at Kampung Karu. The Youth Leaders, John Yii and his family, Ooi and Evangeline and James with Min Hui.. we all decended on Karu and had a wonderful time fellowshipping with our brothers and sisters at Karu.

The Youth made lots of new friends and found that perhaps some of them like Rachel has the potential to be good Sunday school teachers !

It was a great time of feasting too! The Karu folk serve up only the best. Over a meal new friendships were made .

Jeff bonds with Pastor Sut. He 's pobably asking for a good camp site or the next durian harvest!

The Charis team led by John Yii and Margret blessed us with their fellowship !

An early morning + an hour's drive + a time of worship +a time of fellowship over the makan table = New friends and endless possibilities to serve the Lord together !

Wishes and Dreams that come true

2009-04-13T09:25:00.000-07:00

My husband married the princess who knows when there is a mashed pea under the mattresses ! I don't know how many of you are old enough to remember a tv series called Green Acres bout this farm loving fellow and his city bred wife.. well I am not as bad as that ,but I do like a comfortable room with it's simple amenities.. while Jeff prefers the outdoors; the rougher the better! When I told him we were going to Lundu he was determined to make the best of it !

Simple yet effective accomodation not too far from the maddening crowd. Close to toilets and yet under the stars.. could'nt have found a better room at Westin he says!

Wireless included.. would have had to pay extra for that at the hotel ! Notice the open feng shui concept of his abode!

No pitched tent is complete without a guitar and a campfire! The kids were lured onto the dark field by the awesome stars that night and Uncle Jeff's campfire... did I sleep well that night? Well a pea under my mattress was better than this hard ground ! So the answer is NO I DID NOT !!

Lundu Youth Retreat

2009-04-13T07:37:00.000-07:00

It has been AGES since I have written anything. However it has been an amazing few months and I dont want to forget them so I will instead let pictures speak for themselves. We had a Youth retreat in Lundu in March. It was the first activity in which the Youth Leaders completely handled the entire event!

Our Lundu retreat was in March and it was amazing. We were visited by large spiders, centipedes .. one which crawled up Ivory's blouse during worship but was later flicked off her throat! A nasty car crash out of which Dennis crawled out of the vehicle totally unscathed! Youth leaders taking charge.. and me feeling like a guest speaker at my own event! But it was a good feeling to take a back seat and see the young leaders lead, teach and worship.. I was so proud of them that if I had been a peacock I would have strutted all over Lundu !

Their creativity was inspired! Here we have the Orange Team.. a verrrry original name!

The White and Blue Team.... well at least the Blue Team is hmmm flexible.. the Whites are missing something.. girls I think!

What is a Youth Retreat without a little fun and games to build team work and camraderie?

Old relationships strengthened and new friendships were forged and shyness melted away as the day wore on. ............

No Fellowship is complete without the Makan Makan!!!!

But ultimately we came so that we could have the time to worship Him and get to know Him more. Below are some testimonies about our Retreat.. Read on...

I was so scared when I saw the centipede. I had felt something crawling inside my t shirt but I thought it was just a mossie. It was so scary to see that it was a centipede. After Aunty Su prayd for me . I realised that Jesus had really protected me . I really felt the peace of God . Even when my mother called me later that evening I forgot to tell her about the centipede because God had given me such peace in my heart... Ivory 14

After I heard about what happened to Dennis and his car accident I couldnt help but remember that as Youth Leaders we had prayed that at this Retreat God would make Himself so real.. I believe what happened to Ivory and Dennis really showed us how much God really loves us and how real He is.. Linus Chin 15

When we had our worship I felt the peace of God. Nothing else was on my mind ; not the bug bites, sore legs or worries mattered. I just had nothing else on my mind except worship and God in this place.. Dylan Chen. 14

" Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Lord... He alone is my refuge , my place of safety, He is my God and I am trusting in Him." Psalm 91

The power of a simple song...

2009-02-19T17:29:00.000-08:00

Last night after dinner my father in law dug out some sheets of pale yellowing paper. And on them were lyrics of some old Japanese songs. The elderly Aunties and Uncle got excited as they remembered this song and that. I got the feeling that despite what they have told us about the hunger and cruelty of the Japanese occupation it would seem that there must have been some sweet moments in the ugliness of their youth. Last night my dad-in -law played the harmonica with such passion and gusto. And the quavering voices of the two elderly aunties filled the night with songs of long ago. Our elderly uncle who suffers from dementia, was "awakened" by the songs they sang and in the glimmer of the night he became young again as his memory recovered fleetingly to speak of days gone by.

They sang songs of love, songs of moonlight and laughter in a language I had never heard them speak.. and as I watched them I felt as if I was looking in on a memory . Whatever regrets, whatever disappointments each one may have had, whatever troubles in their health they may be facing.. was suspended last night.. as songs brought them all to another place and time.

If I could I would have liked to freeze that moment for them.. to capture it in a frame. Last night more than ever I felt the power of another generation who had lived through great hardship arise to show us younger ones ( or not so young ) that life is not diminshed by circumstances but that we can choose to overcome hardship. That we should .. relish moments instead of wallowing in regrets, focus on each other instead of our enemies, make time for simple stuff instead of overplanning for tomorrow.

Tomorrow will come whether we like it or not.. but today, today we have a chance to live our best , and one day when we grow old we can sit around and remember .. that in a time of great turmoil and economic hardship, we overcame with joy , laughter , love .. and maybe , a simple song.

Hidden treasures..

2009-02-06T16:38:00.000-08:00

Last night was a mixed nite.. it was momentous in opposite directions

An old classmate called me from the UK .We were in school together for many years and we had the same common " best friend " .. who similiarly used us and left us feeling insecure and bitter about certain experiences.. and after 35 years we manage to talk about it and put it to rest.. see sometimes revisiting the past you do main some api ! But this was good api.. the kind that warms you up after the cold, the type that leaves you feeling better after a dark night in the woods.

It felt like pieces of a jig-saw puzzle that was left incomplete finally had the pieces to make a whole picture! And I got to re-make an old friendship to boot !

Then later, another friend calls. The US economy is really in deep trouble and people are asked to take a mnadatory 2 day unpaid leave per week. Her work hours have been slashed and she's only working in a school ! Thousands are retrenched and companies once stable and strong are now closed. The sheer imagery of that leaves me broken hearted and breathless. The impact will surely make its way to our shores.. like a Tsuanami of epic proportions.

So what shall we hold on to? Our homes? Our cars? our investments ( snort, haha )? Maybe it's not such a bad thing. With these things and the proverbial ladder of success in the shadows.. we might find more time to focus on other things.. our families, our spouses.. our children.. the way we cook, the way we ate before the fancy restuarants and fast food joints.. the way we save, eager to see the coins fill the jar..the way we take cash out of the Atm.. yes, for many of us there will be a change in our lives.. perhaps for some, God will seem far away but for those who will now spend that time seeking Him, I gaurantee ,you will find hidden treasures .

Past revisted ..

2009-02-05T23:31:00.000-08:00

Recently I sent out a piece on the revisitng the past.. I stopped because I fell asleep...

My husband says to me.. oftentimes, " Jangan main api".. Dont play with fire.. How much of your past you revisit is " Playing with Fire?".. Lately, my past kinda caught up with me.. after nearly 25 odd years of not speaking to anyone who knew me before the age of 15 .. I found old classmates on Facebook.

Looking at some of them I see how far they've come, how successful they've become and what different women they have grown to be. My ex- classmates are all over the place ranging from Singapore to England, to Australia and the US. They chat with one another and leave " threads" on Facebook like as if being 14 was just yesterday, they remember teachers whom I have forgotten. They remember things about you , you don't remember about yourself.. some good , some bad.

But they do remind you of a time long ago. Like the smell of a scent, or the light in the day.. their voices bring you to places you have long shut the door to. It tickles your nostrils and you try to place the time and event and like an elusive wiff it seems vaguely yet dangerously familiar.. We don't know who we've grown to be but we remember who we were.. strangers yet friends in the remotest definition possible.

Jangan Main Api..... hmm that depends dosent it? After all fire is good for some things !

A prayer for my kids...

2009-02-05T16:27:00.000-08:00

My Prayer for you

My Prayer for you today is simple. I pray that God will watch over you and guide you

That He may through different situations in your life, lead you to know Him not just a God of the bible but God of your life. That when you are facing a tough time you will know His presence giving you strength and helping you to overcome.

My prayer for you is that you not take any moment for granted. That you appreciate those around you and the life you have been given an opportunity to live. To treasure those with you, great and small for God really did make them all. For God sent them and others, to teach you, to stretch you and bless you. Above all, that you not take God for granted, for He is not there just to serve your needs, but to help you to live your best.

My prayer for you is that you trust Him and know that whatever you do, He already made a way for you.Whether it is Bio-Med , Business, Dancer, or simply being a mum or dad... He figured it out .. so ask Him .

As for your future I pray that He keeps and honors you with a life-partner who loves Him first and then you. A partner who knows that all their days are in His hands. A man or woman who will cherish you, guide and accompany you as you grow old together with laughter and good cheer; whose family will treasure you as they treasure their own. A life partner whose values you share and whom God has called forth for you.

And Lord, for good measure , make this life partner " hot" for my kids.

My prayer for you is that you know that you are loved.That as parents there are moments which get the better of us and unlike Jesus who loves you through it all, we may at times fail to show that unmitigated support so bear with us, we are your parents not God.

Just remember we love you and in good time we will come to our senses.. and you to yours... nothing can not be worked out or discussed in love.

Above all my children , know that God has already laid in you the ability to succeed. You are His child first And His Word says that He knows the plans He has for you, Plans to prosper you..In Him you have a destiny. So live it large and live it well. Treasure the moments, not just the highlights.. because sometimes it's the small things that help you grow.. Know that whatever you go through, do not be daunted. Let fear have no part of you. But trust in God who loves you.. and parents who feel the same ... XOXO Mum.

What to do???

2009-02-03T21:20:00.000-08:00

To all you parents who have sent your kids overseas.. how long will you leave em there before they come home? Specifically to Aust .. since coming home from the US in 3 months is out of the question !

My baby has Easter hols in April and of course she and her mates want to come home. Frankly I was not prepared for her to come home so soon.. I've just sent her there ! But .. there's a question of leaving her alone when all her pals are coming back.. what would you do?

Bringing her back now doesent make sense economically and emotionally. I am one who believes that it took so much to even get you there let alone have you come back only to unravel all over again. And yet the thought of her alone with all her friends gone, not knowing what to do or who to hang with.. urgh.. I am her mum. She incubated in me for 9 months! Of course I have a soft belly !

You have my email.. let me know what you think.. hahaha.. esp those of you who have sent your babies away.. cos I know that there's coming a time when they DONT WANT to come home.. so what's the airfare to and fro..eventually we will be willing to pay but they will have all the reasons not to get onto that plane... :)

A moment in time

2009-02-03T01:49:00.000-08:00

Hind sight is a beautiful thing. But the problem with hind sight is that you have to live through the moment in order to be able to achieve that kind of wisdom. Not all of this is pleasant and most times it's downright hard .. but there is a light at the other side of the tunnel , it's just that you have to want , to be determined to get there. Because if you give up, you'll probably live in the darkness thinking that that's all there is.. I read an article the other day which was written by a fireman trapped in the debris of the 9/11 terror attacks on the Twin Towers in New York.

Trapped in tons of concrete , twisted wire and dust he was ready to surrender and he actually prayed " To you Lord I surrender my spirit" . He had an incredible vision of Jesus coming and in His hand He carried a bottle of mineral water. He felt Jesus tell him to hang on. Unbeknowst to him rescuers were getting closer and closer to him. When again he cried out to Jesus and said." I am ready, take me home". Jesus appeared and again he saw the mineral water.. The rescuers had found him and were digging towards him. It took them nearly 5-6 hours but they got him out alive. He underwent 20 odd sugeries and had to be induced into a coma in order to survive the surgeries.. He said when he recoeverd, " When I was in that tunnel I saw nothing but my end. If not for Jesus I would have given up and fallen asleep when the rescuers called out to me. He gave me a bottle of mineral water.. I knew then that it was'nt time for me to leave.. you dont need mineral water in heaven.!"

Yup it always seems darkest before we eventually see the light . The trick is to hold on and believe that Jesus will lead us towards something better and that this difficult moment is just that.. a moment in your life history and it shall soon pass.

Missing you...

2009-02-01T16:32:00.000-08:00

I was singing with the worship team yesterday when I saw him.. he looked the same as when he was a boy. A cheeky " I am in church because my parents brought me" look. He sat down and from where I was he did'nt look much different than he was when he was 16.

He is my best friend's only son . We havent seen each other for nearly 8 years. The last time being at his mum's funeral. It was as if time stood still and if I walked up to him I could ask " Hey, how are you? Where's mum ?"

He was a terror when he was younger. Hahah he and I used to " fight" for his mum's attention. I thought she was too attentive and should let him be.. and he thought she was too pre-occupied with me ! He got into everything and anything.. the Sunday school teachers were stretched. She worried about his friends, about his food , about his studies.. the usual.

Today he's graduated and he's going on to pursue a Master's in Media. He has a girlfriend and when I look at her I think of how much fun my friend would have had with this girl.. a prospective daughter she's longed for. He's gotten through all the teenage angst ..only to carry some forward to adulthood.. well some things take time.

It made me nostalgic to see her one more time. She would have been so proud to come back with him to visit. Proud and anxious.. but that's what mum's are for... the nest is never really empty and the children never really grow up in our eyes. She would have loved this moment. Coming back to Kuching with her grown up son and a daughter in spirit... See, I told you He would give you more kids Lil' ! :)

My birthday gift.. count your blessings

2009-01-31T22:26:00.000-08:00

In 1991 I gave birth to Michelle a week before my birthday.. and this year on the 22nd I celebrated my birthday with her in Perth . In some numerical twist of fate I recieved and released my only daughter on my birthday!

We arrived in Perth on my birthday , the 22nd. I was tired from an all night flight, wonky from lack of sleep and apprehensive of the future I faced . But it was a pleasant enough evening spent with Alan Lee an ex- GNF youth who brought us shoppping and to some chinese restuarant near Murdoch Uni in Perth.

The next few days went by like a blur. Banking , shopping, moving, finding directions, packing.. unpacking. And then finally.. we had to go home..

At the airport I looked at the closed shops( my flight was at 1.45am! ).. I came across a shop with colourful boxes and gifts.. I suddenly remembered.. this birthday there was no gift to open..I kinda like gifts! Then I got a nudge from Jesus..

I realised I was going home. My daughter was ok and settled in Perth. She had friends who surrounded her . At home I have another son waiting for me. Friends I will teach and learn from, girlfriends whom I will laugh with.... a husband who has patiently bourne my emo days without complaint.. young people who are waiting for me to start a new Youth calender year., Bella who just loves to hang around me as I work.... He gave me the great gift of being useful , needed and loved.. cost of gift = Priceless !

Can't put that in a box can you? :) Thanks guys for praying for us !

Notice

2009-01-17T22:06:00.001-08:00

This blog will be empty from now till the 1st of Feb.. my baby is flying the nest and I am trailing behind ! See you when I get back!

What's in a friend?

2009-01-15T01:43:00.000-08:00

My best friend is the drummer of our family band!

What's in a friend? Everyone has their own perception or values regarding friendship and I of course have mine.

Age dosent limit friendship

I am not easy to make friends with and by that I mean to have a level with me in which I am myself and not on guard when I relate to you! But once you're there , you'll it difficult to shake me off. Like the American postman I am there for you come hail, snow or rain

Loyalty is important to me . A friend who dosent judge me but who will ask me and despite a conflict of an opinion will still have the strength to stick it out with me. Who trusts me and believes in me.

A goofy sense of humour. Basically a person who gets my sense of demented and sometimes ironic humour. Like Jen Chin who gives me one kinda look and smile and tells me to behave!

An ability to forget and forgive quickly.. and not hold grudges . Sure we all get upset with one another at some stage of any relationship but to be able to let it slide and see the friendship as something more than the temporary irritation.

Shopping.. my friend must be able to go shopping! To walk for hours back and forth to find a good deal! Or even to forget the back and forth and just buy it ! And not nag about the price!

Nothing beats a friend who knows just what to say and exactly WHEN to say it. Sometimes they dont say it verbally but you know what they are thinking? and you tell them " Dont even say a word !" and you're spot on !

Eating.. nothing beats a relationship based on food. Not the organic, skinny chicken with no fat type or rolled oats , tofu mush but REAL FOOD like chocolate cake, Korean bbq dripping with fat, ribs, crispy fried chicken, cake, REAL CHEESE CAKE MADE with fresh cream and real cheese. fries dipped in tomato ketschup.. and bagels and spaghetti..I think you got my drift..

Finally, I guess a person who shares my values about church, about kids, about family and life in general. It's hard to be friends with people who just disagree with you all the time or on who's toes you stand on every time you voice an opinion !

To my BFF's... thanks for adding to my life !

Little bits of history....

2009-01-14T01:42:00.000-08:00

When I was 18 my mother took to the vaults down at HSBC . It was a strange occasion as I had never been down there before and I did'nt know why I was following her down there that day. I remember thinking.. WOW.. this is a bank vault and looking up at the walls of safety deposit boxes imagining the tiaras, diamonds and ingots that were stacked in there..ok so my imagination was active even then !!.. stacks of cash in the millions, secret documents.. I wondered what treasure my mother would unfold !

Even the air in the vaults was different. It was'nt stale or mouldy as I expected but the air was dignified.. still.. people spoke but their tones were hushed.. there were no crowds only mum, me and the vault officer. We stopped and the officer asked my mum for her key and together with his key .. the box slowly opened...

Inside were her wedding photos and pictures of me when I was a baby. It held my baby trinkets . Her engagement ring.. my grandparents and their photos .. jewellery she had collected through the years. She explained to me who gave her what and told me which pieces came from my grandparents for me. She showed me the deeds to our house and explained what all the documents were and then she said." This is your history. Each piece has a story of its own . The pictures I keep here because I dont know how long those at home will last. Each item has a story of how people met, celebrated life or simply survived. Their value is not in it's material worth but in the stories behind them. One day you will add your history to a box like this and it will be something for you to pass on to your children."

Today is my daughter's 18th birthday and I brought her to my box at HSBC. I had to get permission for her to go in with me . I opened up my box and showed her the first ring Jeff ever gave me . A SEAP games coin from my dad.( Now the Asean games ) My mum and her big coloured rings which she bought at some night market during her first trip to Hong Kong. I was telling her about her history. About people she had seldom met, whose passion for somethings gave their characters life. At the end of it all I said to her, " Each piece is your history. About your dad and I, your grandparents. Every item has a story . It's a story about your family and your family's family. Their value is not material but in the memories it carries. about a generation of people who collected things though seemingly cosmetic ,played a part in celebrating a family event. One day you will add your history to a box like this. "

Going..

2009-01-13T15:25:00.000-08:00

Remember when our kids were like this? Anything you feed them, anything you buy for them or anything you clothed them with was just fine.

No arguments, no fuss except for the occassional spit up. They needed no one else but you and their whole world was you.

How tiring it was, how some nights seem so long. When you thought the day would never end with the incessant demands they made on your sleep, your time, your energy.

How fragile they were. When the flu would knock them and you off your feet. First day of play school and endless rounds of sniffles and and falls. Primary one where you wake up more anxious than them and vie with other parents in the parking lot for the chance to walk them through the school gates. The friends they make and then the teachers who rule.. who has'nt lived through the " But My teacher said MUST do like this !".. the staid excuses " I got fever cannot go to school" or" my stomach is painful " unfinished homework, torn text books.. shoes that were washed on Sun and look grey on Monday !

The long roads and hours of driving them to tuition. Competition to find them places with the best tuition teachers and the hole in your pocket when its time to pay .The UPSR fever that hits a mother's stomach so hard as she waits with her kids for the results as if the UPSR were entrance exams to Oxford ! And later the PMR exams.. did they get 7 A's? 6 A's? any A's ??? Science stream.. Arts?? Not fair.. never mind son, you did well anyway..

Clothes you buy are not cool anymore. Food you cook must have an international flair, my mother never made spaghetti or sushi! Shoes dont necessarily come from Bata and tuition fees get more expensive.... The parents smile tentatively at one another " so your daughter and my son are friends. We used to be classmates kids ! "..

And as they stand facing a whole new future of their own.. you stand facing yours.

Money and things....

2009-01-12T15:58:00.000-08:00

Someone told me the other day that I dont appreciate money because I have enough.. it got me thinking.

My parents migrated to Singapore when Singapore was Malaysia. Both of them came from poverty stricken families in a kampung in Klang where they struggled during the Japanese years and both knew then, that education was the way out of poverty for them. My dad went to Singapore and later he got a scholarship to study in Liverpool and my mother against great odds became the first Chinese Principal of a Malay integrated school.

Upon their return from England they spent their years repaying their debts, money they had borrowed to be in England at the time. My father rose up quickly in the government ranks and eventually became the first chief town planner of Singapore.. Then I guess I appeared.

I can't say my life was filled with struggles or hardship then. In fact it was the opposite. I have lived a life most young kids those days envied.. I traveled with my parents when I was 6 to the United Nations where my dad spoke on the urbanization of Singapore, I visited Israel , Disneyland.. it was pretty wild. Our home was always filled with maids , cooks and the gardener and his family lived on the premises.. like a chapter out of Gossip Girls.

Then one day.. it all disappeared. I came home from music lessons and my home was in disarray. My father had disappeared and we didn't know where he had gone for nearly 2 days. Overnight our world changed. friends who used to visit stopped visiting. Friends who curried favor with my parents would swiftly change direction if they saw us approaching. The servants began to leave one by one. Newspapers screamed headlines we ourselves found worth of the soap opera Dynasty !

It was a strange time for a 9 year old. My father eventually came back after a failed suicide attempt and my mum continued to principal the school but life as we had known it was permanently altered. My father stopped working and my mother supported both of us. Her world made smaller now for the lack of friends who once came by every Sat for tea. By now ,not only friends had disappeared.. family who once visited us frequently now dwindled.

My mother eventually retired after a near break down and then she started giving tuition . And with that simple job my mother shouldered the weight of the household, a jobless husband and eventually with all her savings she sent me to study in the US.

We went from hero to zero. There were no holidays. There were no luxuries. My mum and I spent most of our mornings in Ghim Mo where the market people and us became fast friends. Believe me , we never lacked for food and I was never too shy to ask. Achee the road sweeper who had always enjoyed a cup of tea at our house.. continued to have tea till I went away.

My friends had birthday parties at big hotels.. and my mum and I would pack in all the food and have a party on our landing and pretend it was something fancy, My birthday was big with my mum. It was as if she felt she had to make up for the lack and so I'll bet I was the only teenager who got a multitude of gifts to make up for the girls who never came over to celebrate with me and give me presents. It was also a time when she limited my going out. While most girls had curfews at 12am.. mine was 10.30pm .. when the party started..because any later the kids would drift off to supper and she did'nt want me to get " caught out".

I remember a time when I borrowed a dress for a party and my mother went ballistic! I couldn't understand it then.. ( my daughter borrows and and lends all the time ).. but now with hind sight I see how much that would hurt her. The shame of having to borrow a dress perhaps which she could not pay for. Borrowing money was another great taboo.. if we did'nt have the cash.. we would just not have the goods. Hence till today I resist loans from Banks !!

But through all these times I never grew bitter. If Mum gave it to me I had it.. and if I did'nt I never lacked. God never allowed me to strive and He never showed me lack of favor..if at all I had no qualms about borrowing ( except for money ) or just simply saying " I dont have enough" I had no shame either :) .. perhaps my mother's over zealousness had taken its toll on me.. I have no problem saying I need your help.. and God provided many people who walked through my life and provided for my every need.

So do I not appreciate money because I always have had it?... I appreciate what money can do. I appreciate that we need it to survive. Perhaps I did'nt struggle with lack of food or lack of education. But I know shame . I know the pain of being publicly humiliated and living with people who look at money as everything in their lives. I watched my parents who were once happy diminished in the public eye for something I still dont understand. I lived with my mother who never got over the trauma and lived her last days alone and embittered in a fairy world of what could have been. I am not callous towards wealth.. but I have lived enough to know that if I make it my center.. with all the wealth in the world I will still be a very poor woman.

Today I value relationships.. I value the thought behind the money, the thought behind a gift. I value the time spent with friends who won't turn their backs on me when my chips are down. I value the people who have come into my life and added richly to it and I miss those who have passed on. I value Jesus who walked me through every situation long before I knew who He really was. These are things money can't buy.

Raining, cats dogs and hamsters in Kuching

2009-01-10T16:05:00.000-08:00

Incredibly it is STILL raining.. into our fourth day now. You wonder if we should build the Arc soon!

It's early in the morning but it looks like 7pm in the evening.. as it did yesterday and the day before and the day before.. I hope the Doulos is anchored and not floating somewhere.. water , water, water... if I were a biscuit I'd dissolve!

11 days and counting

2009-01-10T07:11:00.000-08:00

We're down to 11 days till we leave with Michelle for Perth. Hmmm....

Here is some advise I've gotten

" you will get through this. Miss her and then move on. All my married friends have been through the same thing. No biggie. " .. Single lady

" Cry all you want now then when it's time your tears would have all dried up and you wont cry when you leave her ." .. experienced mother of a graduating daughter

" Life is about evolution... you cant expect your daughter to live with you forever. She has reached another chapter of her life and you have to accept that she has to live her own life... etc etc.. ( yawn ) " .... a philospher mother

" Once your children leave you that's it. They will never come back the same. This is the begining of the end . They will lead their own lives and fit you in when they have time"

... the embittered mum

" I will always be your daughter no matter what. I dont know what is going to happen or even who I will be when I grow up. But I know that no matter where I go.. nothing is going to change the fact that you're my mum and I'm your daughter." Michelle Wei.

sigh, 11 days and counting...

The power of Thank you

2009-01-10T06:42:00.000-08:00

There is great power in showing appreciation and gratitude. A simple gesture of thanksgiving goes a long way. It validates the event and giver making what he / she has done for you no matter how simple , feel treasured and appreciated.

" Thank You " My mum was big on thank yous. She made me thank every one from my teachers right down to the garbage collectors and the lady who swept the streets.. in Singapore in the early 70's they had Indian lady road sweepers before the big trucks were brought in which made their jobs redundant.

Come Chinese New Year mum would always have some cookies or some nice old clothes all packed and ready for the garbage men to show how much she appreciated them for the year. For our gardener there was a red packet of ang pow for his services. And for Achee the road sweeper there was always a red packet, a bunch of bananas and clothes for her kids. My house always had the cleanest street and our garbage miraculously never spilled outside our gate!

I learnt this from my mum.. the art of thanking people for everything. I thank the laksa lady when she brings me my laksa.. and I always get more than the rest. One day she had finished the laksa but asked her daughter to bring me a bowl from across the town! I thought she was cooking for others but the daughter arrived with just enough laksa just for me ! I thank the chicken seller Ah Lai when she sells me chicken.. sometimes I bring her some cake for breakfast and I always find an extra wing or two in my plastic bag..a chicken with four wings .. just imagine!

Thank you.. two simple words that show you notice and appreciate what another has done for you.. in these two tiny words lies the power to motivate and validate others. It is a phrase that will help you find favor with even the most hard core of pmsed women ! Bring a look of shock and shame to a rude waitor. Thank you.. a good habit to cultivate.

It's raining, it's pouring.. the old man is snoring !

2009-01-09T22:03:00.000-08:00

It has been raining consistently for nearly 72 hours now. It stops just to allow us to do mini chores but most times it's a steady downward pour.

It makes for lazy cold afternoons and cat naps. Wet clothes that smell because they can't dry and my uncovered toothpicks have turned mouldy !. I have three hibernating hamsters who now sleep piled up on top of one another and Bella who prefers the kitchen floor to sitting outside on the porch.

Jeff is saying something and my kids are asking for something.. what? I can't hear them.

On a day like today..
- you cant watch tv cos Astro Malaysia cant catch the satelite in the pouring rain
-you cant wash the clothes cos they dont dry; not necessarily so ,but a good excuse anyway.
- you cant really cook because the market is dangerously slippery and wet.. and the parking is hell. Hey we have Maggi mee !

But

-you can catch up on email and old friends
-you can use your dog as a footwarmer!
-you can read those books and stuff you said you'd catch up on
- you can clean out the fridge.. and find out what those shoots coming from the vegge bin really are.. oh and that strange lump at the back that's turned a shade of purple!
-you can be like the hamsters and curl up in bed and not feel guilty about an afternoon snooze!
-you can do whatever you like cos in this rain and my deaf ear.. I can't hear what my kids or husband is asking of me...I smile and I nod. I hope it's not too important. Anyways, it's raining and even if my eyes are opened.. my brain is numb with sleep.. Wake me up when the sun comes out again ...Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

What a sick dog taught me...

2009-01-08T17:27:00.000-08:00

Sometimes we go through life not realising what we truly have until it is gone or threatened. Take Bella for example for the past five years we have cared for her and gone for walks and done all the pet things with her .. everything perhaps but value her presence.

I remember the next day after I sent her to the vet I did'nt want to open the door because I knew that when I did, a whole lot of emptiness was going to greet me. I sit in my room / office and there's only silence where her hot and heavy breathing used to resound.

It's only when they are not around that one begins to think.. hey it was good to hear this or smell that.. How many of us treat each other the same way? Only to miss a friend when he or she is no longer with us? So used to the fact that they are there and that them going away never even occured in our minds.

But the truth is, life is unpredictable. You never know when illness will strike or when someone will get transfered. You may say a careless word only to find that it hurt more than you intended and then the relationship is broken, to be mended but never quite the same. When a loved one passes on telling them how great they were when they were around is just too late.. better enjoy each moment you have so that when parting comes.. you'd have stored up enough goodness and memories to to last you a lifetime.

p.s Yes, Bella is still alive n doing well.. just maudlin today...

My new friend... with four legs..

2009-01-07T03:40:00.000-08:00

This is Elenor. Keith gave her to me for Christmas. she was lost n missing in action for two days when Jeff left the cage open by accident. But today we found her in the shoe closet. She peeped out at us as if she had been waiting a long time to be found.

Bella is feeble and weak. Continue to pray for her. After all, God made all creatures great and small...

New Friends

2009-01-07T02:55:00.000-08:00

These are my friends Angela Zucher, Ginny Drake and Olga from the Doulos. They came to Kuching early Nov to prepare for the arrival of the Doulos in Dec. They came as strangers and we parted as friends..

Angela is from Switzerland and she is the youngest of the three. Ginny is the seasoned sea- faring veteran from Canada who speaks 3 languages.. British English, Canadian Engliah and Malaysian English.. and Olga was the team leader and her homeland is Germany.

I am just amazed at the unexpected ties and friendship God brings our way through unexpected people and events . Olga told us a story of how when she was in Africa she was destined for toilet duty. In one port of call , people would board the ship and wash themsleves in the toilet and use the sink as a place to dump.. day after day she had to clean this and get it ready for the next lot of visitors.

Ginny , has a vision to own an orphanage in Africa.. it's been her God given dream to do so since.. a long time. It's amazing the things these girls want to do for God. It's not in what they say or in how they share the bible.. it's in the way they live and in the way they treat others. Living on a ship with 300 other people.. to me that's a testimony of love, peace, joy, patience, kindness, goodness, faith, endurance, determination , long suffering and self control . Gal 5:22-25.

I was really blessed by their visit and their friendship... a rare thing since I am a very private person.. I guess God was teaching me to never underestimate the potential of one encounter.. you never know when He is going to give you a gift of a life time!

The new 50's is just 40....

2009-01-05T18:57:00.000-08:00

Haha.. as we bridged the New Year my husband of 22 years seemed a little morose.. I asked him why and he said " we're closer to 50 than we were last year !"

The great big FIve- O ! what does it really mean to be 50?

Well in my mum's day 50 was a big deal. I speculate that in my great grand parents days it was an even bigger deal as the rate of mortality probably was'nt so high! Today when people pass on at 60 the first thing I hear is " wah he is so young.."The fiftieth birthday back then was a hallmark of a vernerable age, a passing of middle age into an elderly status of wisdom and respect. One wore with the age of 50 ,a certain mystique and class of having passed through the many stages of irrascability into the cirlce of elderly reverence..

But today.. I hear the 50's is the new 40's.. an age of having accomplished and bypassed all the passions and heartaches of the 20's, indecisions and ambitions of the 30's into an acomplished poised 40's era where we are comfortable in our own skin.. which by the way at 50.. can look like your 30's today ! ( what with botox and whatever !)

So what is 50? In today's terms it's just another number another marker in time. With the help of Marie France , facial boutiques, serums and anti serums, spas , line dance, yoga and what not.... let us stretttccchhhh our time a little.. Let us not worry about tomorrow for surely it will only make us buy more expensive wrinkle cream! I am young today. I'll take what I've got. Maybe at 65 I'll start to worry since at 65 I've truely entered into today's version of the venerable 50's !!

16 days and counting....

2009-01-05T06:20:00.000-08:00

Yesterday my daughter had a meltdown. It suddenly crashed upon her young mind that in 16 days we are flying to Perth and she will begin a new chapter in her life. A chapter that requires her to think for herself , to rely on her own instincts and judgements. A new place that demands she step out of her comfortzone and meet challenges head on without her family or familiar friends around her.. It must have a been a head on collision because she has been such a stalwart and bastion of coolness for the past few months !

I guess it began with a series of cracks...

crack number one.. her close frieds began to leave Kuching one by one around and after Christmas leaving her alone as their terms all started at the begining of Jan '09.

crack number two.. her church pals disappared for holidays leaving her to contemplate what life in a new church without familiar faces would feel like.

crack three..a close pal of hers decided that they should " time out"

crack four... I poisoned our beloved dog Bella who has been Michelle's constant companion and closest friend. And since I am her mother.. she cant really rave and rant at me cos she knows that.. well I am her mum

crack five... Jeff left the hamster cage door open last night and Michelle's beloved Ellie escaped and was no where to be found

Yup the whole " I am young and I can handle anything " came tumbling down . I guess sometimes when you're only just nearly 18 .. you need to remember, despite feeling grown up and ready to experience life.. life is nothing without your family who love you and friends who accept you. But it's also great to stand on the brink of a whole new adventure and discover .. that all you read about Jesus in Youth and Sunday school now becomes a reality as you face challenges and choices as a young adult. And so now my beloved daughter I must let you go and you will discover that when you are all undone and feeling low , that's when Jesus you read in the bible becomes Jesus your companion and friend.

Have you poisoned yur dog lately ? I did

2009-01-04T02:07:00.000-08:00

This is Bella. She is 4 and half years old and she loves car rides and durians. Last night she spiked a fever and even the whites of her eyes turned red. In my haste I overdosed her with 500gm of panadol which is ok for human beans... but not for dogs.

Fortunately because of her initial fever I was going to take her to the vet anyways.. when I got there Bella stuck her tongue out as she is doing in this picture and I saw that her tongue was blue !

I asked the Vet why and that's when I discovered that dogs dont eat human panadol !! She is now at the vet-spital ( hospital ) and on a drip. Our worse fear is that she has liver damage and she wont recover. However I think, this durian eating dog will be home soon. Just in case, please pray.

She's my pal, my walking companion and I will be very lonely without her espcially when Michelle leaves. Sigh... it's a real case of not appreciating someone until .. you've poisoned them !

What's in store for 2009?

2009-01-02T21:21:00.000-08:00

Each New Year starts with a promise that whaever did not come about last year .. may come true this year.

There is hope and a vision but where will we be this end of 2009 I have no idea. Take this lovely picture for example.. it flows and we take in it's beauty but some where below a log might jam the water or it may get caught in some litter or perhaps in flows into a great ocean.... where will it end up?

I guess we'll have to take that journey to find out

With a heart of gratitude ...

2008-12-30T16:50:00.000-08:00

I just spoke on Having a heart of gratitude last Sunday. So I best give my thanks for the end of 2008! To say it's been a smooth year is .. welll... a hoot .. but to say it has'nt been a good year would be ungrateful ! So here goes...

Thank you my Ladies for reading through the bible with me . For supporting and cheering me on when I wanted to skip a morning and just be lazy and have some " me time "

Thank you Pat for all the hugs. For faith and kindness too..

Thank you Jen for " walking " days with me and always knowing when to pop up on MSN.

Thank you the young people who in their naivety have kept me from being jaded and old before my time.

Thank you my one and only family in Klang , Irene and Ronnie who remind me that sometimes despite the lack of blood ties..a deeper love can carry us through.

Thank you Jeff and the kids for reminding me how much I am needed and loved by you

Thank you troubles. challenges and difficult people, from you I learnt to count my blessings. It was you who kept me up at night, it was fear that challenged me to overcome. It was bitter people who made friendship sweet and my heart swell with joy that I dont have to wake up to envy, jealousy and hate. For all the lows I encountered this year.. The Lord changed my sorrows into joy..all the more sweet because of the pain. Thank you Lord.

Christmas at the Spring

2008-12-21T18:58:00.000-08:00

I have been missing in action for a while and I apologise.. but it has been a very eventful month . Our church organised an event at our local mall where we brought our worship , our singers, our dancers , our band to celebrate Jesus at the Spring Mall in Kuching!

It was a month of character building, determination, courage and as tempraments flared.. it taught us what it really means to keep our hearts right in Christ and bearing the fruits of His holy spirit. I worked with the Youth in our church and I must say I am awfully proud at the way different ones rose to occassion and with big hearts and courage they really took their tasks with great responsibility and determination to produce excellence. I paid I dont know what amount of money for Michelle to ferry kids up and down from daily practices and late night suppers.. secretly glad and willing to pay for the privilege of not having to do it myself !

To Keith my son, I salute you, who despite his insecurities at the drums rose to outdo even his own expectations and in the process breaking one drum set and a pair of drum sticks ! You do your "teacher mentor " James proud I am sure. To my girls Michelle, Karen, Katrina, Rachel, Lydia and Megs for singing in public when only a few months ago they would barely squeak in church ! I appluad you. To Andrea and Amanda who took on the lead and bass guitars like rock stars !

Andrea on lead, Howard on Acoustic and Amanda on bass..cool man!

Katrina, Rachel, Michelle, Lydia and Karen

Amazing..... Grace

Soulful Megan on the keyboards singing in Public !!!!!!

To Ariel and gang .. fiercely determined to bring a new sound and look to Hip-Hop with their original dance creation Their numerous practices, hiccups, personality clashes and ultimate triumph..I take my hat off to you!

Ariel Lo and Team mates, Ivory, Lydia, Lysandra, Ah foong, Joannda, Amanda praying before they perform

To Rachel and her Va Va Voom Latin dancers... who knew Latin could be so Christian cool? Cheers Rach and team for putting on a wonderful show despite the storms and troubles you went through.. one couple down and this girl still got her team to hold together! Bravo !

Rachel and Darren, Michelle and Choon Ho, Shirly and August ??? where is he ??? Karen and Howard.. and our friend Nickson !!!

To our dear Julius who wowed the crowds with his gang of Yo yo spinners! Thank You !

Our excellent Youth Crew who transported all the equipment and managed the sound and were everywhere at all times Thank You !

It was a Christmas I will remember for a long time ......Thank you for giving to the Lord, I am so glad you gave...

Feelings and emotional tatoos..

2008-12-07T20:32:00.000-08:00

So I broke the rules of blogging and disappeared for a while.. I have been up to my eyeballs in rehearsals and practises and whatnot for a church thing at a Mall for Christmas. And before I know it.. it's 44 days and counting down!

I read a friend's blog the other day where she talked about different people, their attitudes and stuff.. I've had a very intense two weeks of doing just that.. We have this Christmas outreach at Spring. Different kids are in charge of different things and it's been an interesting week to watch how young people manage their own.

I've had two young people tell me vague stories about how they 'feel' they cant contribute, lot's of pressured arguments and a strange uneasiness that comes when everyone feels they should be getting along but are not. It's interesting this thing called "feelings" .. it seems to be the foundation which every youth live by.. unfortunately feelings change everyday. What happens today can affect your behavior unfortunately feelings of anger, dislike, frustration dont always last forever. So when you react to those feelings based solely on emotions and not thought, you have an emotional tattoo... it's printed and done and even if you try to erase it .. it's nearly impossible to get rid of..so perhaps we should think more, say less.. react later.

58 days and counting...

2008-11-23T04:59:00.000-08:00

We went to KL for a few days of r and s... relax and shopping with my kids. The first time Jeff and I brought them down over the Christmas season my kids were fasinated with the lights, glitter . As the years went by.. the lights were still there but they became more absorbed with the shopping than with the lights outside !

Then this Christmas.. a shift..hardly noticeable and yet a hallmark of time. I was crossing the street and I felt a tiny hand reach out to me..and another at my elbow guiding me across the road. I let myself be guided by these young hands..hands which I have held all these years to cross numerous streets and led to safety in different occassions. I did'nt ask. It just happened. When did she know to do this? When did the roles shift?.. 58 days more mum.. she's yelping...bouncing on the sofa and asking " Will you miss me mum? It's just 58 days now."

This Christmas will be my last with my little girl.. in 58 days I will let her hand go ....

Mothers' Tales and the Empty Nest

2008-11-16T16:35:00.000-08:00

" I cried and cried everyday. I wondered if he could make friends, if he could find his way around the campus.. it seemed so big.. what if he had nothing to eat.. what if he did'nt like the food.O told the father in uastalia where got Chaptiis?! I missed my son so much I flew to see him every month the first year ! And Cheh! Those girls overseas.. can never tell you know. Sooo different from our Asian families. So After his first year his father and I found him a bride from India!The wedding will be in 2012 when he graduates.. you come yah? ! "

Jane Worrimugam

" Nothing lah, I just put her on a plane and told her that if she needed anything ..call home. So many children go overseas everyday.. no big deal. Last time my parents only gave me enough money for the first year. I was expected to study and work for the rest of my tuition. These young people so dem lucky nowadays. "

Nancy Lim Wo Huei

" My husband and I just worried .. what if she cannot meet the high standards. What if she fail? If come home like that then the whoooolee family sure lose face one..how to face my relatives? My friends? Eh enter university no gaurantee come out with degree you know? My friend's daughter fail every year got to repeat. Of course eventually got graduate already and found job but we all know she kosong upstairs.. repeat and repeat sure passs one lah. .....then ah you know....No matchmaker in the world can find her a suitable husband! Girls study too much where got husband prospects?? "

Bibi Lilian Tang Ling Ling

"Our children were winning prizes for Elocution when they were 7! And I had them tutored by the very best teachers. All my children could recite the Chemistry tables by the time they were 10 ! I have nothing but high expectations for my children. Their father came from Oxford and I am a graduate of Cambridge. My children have always been in the top 3% of their classes. My daughter scored a string of A's and is the National award winner of the Young Writer's Guild in Cambridge by 11. My son was a awarded top prizes in Physics, Chemistry and a National prize in Biology. They have offers from Harvard and Princeton.. there is no doubt in my mind that my children were made for success. "

Dr Mary Evangelistika Crawford III -Tan K. Su

" Well the secret of my childrens' success overseas is that for every exam I fly over and I cook for them. You know with exam pressures and what not, they have no time to make nutritious meals so I leave my husband and fly over for an month or so to be with the kids. "

Mrs Beety Croker - Lee

Oh dear.. so much to look forward to..... 66 days to go....

Counting down the days...

2008-11-15T23:01:00.000-08:00

67 days and counting... that's how many days it will before my eldset daughter leaves for Perth to study.. I remember her first day at St Teresa's she was so nervous and so was I . We woke up at 5.30am and after much fuss we bundled her into the car.. but not before she puked all over the front of her uniform

After a quick change she got to school.. while it was still dark. I remember her first friend.. Anastasia.. then it was time for parents to leave and I kissed my baby good bye only to rush to a nearby Friend's house and wait anxiously till recess time when I could peek in on her again to make sure she was ok.

She was fine.. running around and laughing with some girls she had made friends with.. but that was in Kuching.. Perth seems so far away.........

Changing landscapes

2008-11-15T04:31:00.000-08:00

Someone asked me .. How do you know when you're still in love ?

Here are some of the ways....

-When you have something exciting to share and you look for that one person to share it with

-When your whole day has gone wrong and you know that when you tell him the day wont seem so bad

-When your hands fit into his

-When another girl looks his way and you want to scratch her eyes out

-When you feel lonely in a crowd of friends because he's not there.

-When everything you wanted to achieve in life seems hollow and empty unless you do it together.

-When you fight with each other but know that it will pass and that each fight isnt about winning or losing but just the ability to vent and trust that tomorrow you'll let go of things and get on with life.

-When you meet his parents and after all these years he still asks you first what you want and what you think

-When it's not Valentine's Day he still surprises you with a romantic moment

-When talking ceases and silence becomes conversation

-When you're far away from each other and you both seem to know who's on the phone when it rings

-When you care more about his feelings than you do yours

-When after you've married for 22 years and you still want want to spend quiet moments together.. yeah.. I would say you're still in love... The landscape may change but the love keeps you solid like a rock !

Public apology

2008-11-14T08:16:00.001-08:00

I forgot to add in my profile that I am married to a wonderful man named Jeff in Sarawak.. He swept me off my feet 22 years ago...and I still havent landed. Night hon.

The stork didn't deliver me and neither did mum....

2008-11-13T16:42:00.000-08:00

In my mother's day the older generation believed that if one could not give birth then they should adopt a child and because of the goodness of taking on someone else's unwanted child ,blessings would fall upon the family so that they would then conceive a child of their own.

Perhaps my parents thought the same would happen to them.. unfortunately after they adopted me.. they never had any other babies. so I guess I have been an exception to folk lore rules!

I remember asking mum once where I came from and the standard answer was given.. from the dustbin.( parents were not enlightened to sexual education at the time.).. On better days I was conceived by fairies and found by a lake, Angels brought me wrapped up in a blanket and .. ah yah , you just were .. no need to ask so many questions!

Before I was 7 I knew my cousins were adopted. My mother told me. She would be stirring a pot of kaya over the charcoal stove and she would say " Your grandmother saw that the family couldn't afford to feed another baby so she took so and so and promised to look after her and educate her.." " Yah they couldn't have a baby so they adopted your cousin.." She told me about everyone's life connections except mine.

I learnt I was adopted only as I was going to seal my mum's ashes 40 odd years later. Why did I ask such a question? I honestly cant say.. I asked because in my mother's generation there were so many versions of the truth and as they evolved they took on the wispy look of fairy tales . Things didn't quite add up and maybe because she wasn't alive it seemed ok to ask such an irreverent question..Am I really her daughter ?

So I was'nt from the dustbin. There was no stork with a huge beak.. I just was..but I was loved. I was cherished to the point of obsession. I was never told where I came from because I think she came to believe I really was hers. Has it made a difference to me ? Yes. Because now I understand her better . Her need to hide this from me and worrying all those years that if I ever found out I may have chosen to look for my birth mother. Her obsessiveness of wanting to keep me for herself and never let go... but she need'nt have worried that much.. she was all I knew of a mother and I was'nt looking for anyone else.

New Youth Blog

2008-11-13T16:37:00.000-08:00

I decided to start a Youth blog for our young people at GNF so look us up at http://www.o2gnfyouth.blogspot.com/. It's currently under skin renovation by Andrea so it kinda looks like a funeral palor but we'll get there soon enough !

So this blog is just me.. my stories, my tales .. my merepek !

Simuti con'td..part 2

2008-11-10T23:53:00.000-08:00

It was'nt all eat and play the Youth spent time learning about Leadership skills, worshipping together and Prayer Walking the land.

Here's Jeff giving the kids a session on self leadership.. Wow they look like they are really interested !!

Here's Amanda expressing herself and taking a step of boldness to overcome her shyness !!

A Great way to work off all those durians and snacks.. Prayer Walking the Kampung !! Lydia looks like she is on a treasure hunt!

Great worship sessions ! Look's like Savior King has become our adopted song for 2009!

Our James.. worshipping his handphone even though got no line in Simuti!!! Sighhhhhhhh........

Ritchie is the one playing the guitar. He used to just hang around GNf and Aunty Irene used him for painting and art.. hey.. the guy is now a Youth and song Leader !! Awesome!! Had a great time Praising and dancing !!

See that black " monkey"? Katrina?? She was taking a vidoe of me dancing !! We're all trying to flap our wings!!

This is faith in action.. we had no clue that we had to do anything that night. We did'nt even know there was a Youth meeting.. when the worship was over they announced " We want to welcome the Youth from GNF Kuching and we want to invite them to share the word tonite !!!

Yikes! We all looked at each other and then we sent James and Lydia up to share on Faith !! James was great in English and Lydia was a spectacular interpreter !! New talents were born and released that night !

To be Continued.........

A trip to Simuti...

2008-11-10T02:44:00.000-08:00

This week end I went up to Simuti with my Youth leaders and we had a great time prayer walking and praying for people in this place. I went there in 1999 with the last batch of young people and this is the first time in 9 years I have brought another batch of kids. Why did it take so long??? Sighh... they say God's timing is perfect so I will hold on to that.These kids here were the first bunch of Youth I ever led. Most have graduated and are now graduates or grad students. It seems so long ago.

The present group of leaders are on their way through upper secondary school and it wont be long now before they too shall fly away to futher their studies !

Simuti is a sister church founded nearly 30 years ago by Pastor Graeme Fawcett and his wife Lucy from New Zealand. It used to take them fice hours walk with parangs to clear the grass to get all the way up from the base of the mountian to the very top where the church stands. Today we can drive up to Simuti but still have to climb some stairs to get to the actual village.

It's quite a trek uphill. I am glad the church is much easier to get to today !!

When we got to the village we recieved a very warm welcome. Padawan District in which Simuti lies is " the " area for Durians. The surrounding jungle at the back of the homes are littered with falling Durians. Jeff had a field day !

Jeff lost no time in opening the durians and the kids lost no time in digging into a fruity lunch!

I was'nt sure how we were going to get through the afternnoon. We still had some lessons and a prayer walk to complete. But I guess the kids knew exactly what they wanted to do after this....

After all that trekking and durians they could'nt move and we had to wait for the Sleeping Beauties to get their power nap before we could continue.

After some worship the team started to prayer walk Simuti

Then they took an Uno and junk food break while waiting for dinner

To be Continued........................................................

Get with it mum, he's only my friend....

2008-11-02T03:03:00.000-08:00

In my mother's day boyfriends were potential marriage partners. They were screened by the father, the brothers , sisters, aunts, uncles and grandparents.. everyone had a say .. " Ah yah, he got mole on the big toe.. no good". " I heard his father cheat Mr Wong in business !!! " " This one very good... he is studying to be a doctor ah .." how they knew all this .. I still dont know.

During dates there are chaperons .. either the brother or sister is the designated lampost and curfew was adhered to least the door be closed to future dates. A time when boys asked permission to hold hands and a date of more than 3 times meant the couple was " serious". And if the couple had been going out for more than a month marriage was expected. The word " jilted " rang with mystery and intrigue as to what had caused the break-up.

When a boy or girl was invited over for Chinese New Year or a family event.. they were most certainly "meeting the family" and soon some ancient aunty would sally forth with a marriage proposal to the girl's family.. days of love letters, hand holdings.. anything beyond the hand was reserved for the dance floor in the public eye.

Photographs were of the studio kind, simple poses and close up shots resembling Clark Gabel, Vivan Leigh or Judy Garland... sighs were fashionable, giggles appropriate and love notes exchanged. Hahaha how those days have flown.

Today its the time of cuba cuba sajah, macam macam ada ... Dating starts with .. group dates where kids pair off anyway.. love letters? Dont waste their time.. it's the age of sms and chats on the net. No bus or bicycles to get to their dates either.. mums and dads are allowed to drop their kids off at malls, Starbucks and Coffeebean.. provided they never stop the engine and park but get on their way once the kid has arrived at the date venue..If you ask to see their date.. they groan and say , no need lah, why like dat. friend also cannot..

Ice Kachang and kacang puteh??? Hahahahaha... it's Starbucks mum get with it.. where one coffee with a fancy name costs 12 ringgit a pop..a cake which we can easily bake tastes sweeter at 6.50! And movies??? In KL I experieced the Premier Theatres.. at RM 14 per seat you get a couples seat with a cup holder and a small bag of pop corn which you are supposed to share with your date.. I am glad I dont date cos I needed the whole bag for myself !!

Then Confusion.. My daughter's best friend ( ?? ) was/is a guy and they share everything from gossip to shopping but dont date.. however they do talk about the people they like. They trade secrets and they lend each other a sympathetic ear.. but they are not a couple.. yeap .. get with it mum .. he's just a friend.

Then her friend takes her out and they go shopping with other girls and come Valentine's day he's bought her a gift.. I raise an eye brow.. get with it mum, I also sent stuff to my classmates and friends.. he's just a friend.

A handphone pops up and it's not hers... whose is it I ask? ... oh my friend is travelling and we traded phones.. it's just for fun.. ah yah mum, he's just a friend.

It's Christmas now and they've been friends a while. The flights are full and he cant get back. Mum my friend is stuck in KL and might have to spend Xmas alone.. so sad.. Do you want him back here for Christmas I ask? Of course mum, he's my friend.

The phone beeps an sms for over an hour. I look at my daughter.. and sigh .. Yah,I know it's only your friend...

Stretched

2008-10-31T07:35:00.000-07:00

Ever had days when everything seems to cave in on you? And then you blow up and regret blowing up but you know that you cant take things back because they are out there and no amount of mopping up can restore that spilt milk... well I have just had one of those days....

Durians.. the King of Fruits

2008-10-30T06:34:00.000-07:00

Durians is the king of fruits . It's a spiky green fruit with pod compartments which house two to three fleshy pungent fruit that smell like goat's cheese gone bad.. but to the connoisseur it's a wiff of heaven or hell to those who have not mastered the art of the Durian.

In my younger days my durian crazed parents would drive all the way from Singapore to Klang and along the way we would stop for durian breakfast, durian lunch and eventually at my grandmother's home for durian dinner. By the age of 8 I'd had a lifetime's worth of durians. Now , I abstain from the fruit .. just because I can.. for I have passed the age where I have to eat what's put in front of me.

My husband is a durian fanatic. He prides himself on being able to pick the best fruit at the lowest price possible. During the durian season he is often found picking fruits for various aunties and church members. Hahaha, our worship leader Yu Puay often says " If I have to put on that many calories it's got to be worth it.. so I'll eat what Jeff picks !"

My English Cocker Spaniel loves helping Jeff to pick the durians..she eats them and spits out the seed too. A whole breed of her own..

Picking durians is an art form in itself. Some sniff it, some shake it.. others gently strum it's thorny hide listening for ???? ..some shake it then put it to their ears as if they were tuning an instrument.. some place in on flat ground just to see if they fruit will balance itself and yet others can swear by the shape of the thorns if the fruit of the durian is yellow, light yellow or orangy red.

Durian pickers are in a class of their own often debating the merits of their own methods and swearing that theirs is the best. My husband however swears that he has paid high " tuition fees" to the local vendors to arrive upon his method of picking a good durian.

Durian lovers dont like to eat durian alone. HAahaha unlike an apple or rambutans the eating of a durian is a communal thing. It's a festive occassion , an occassion to gather or visit friends to show off one's durian picking skills or to just brag about the last best tasting fruit they ever had in their lives !! Last Tuesday night an enthusiastic crowd of prayer warriors ended their prayerful gathering with a feast of 60 durians at Ah Lek's home !! It was durian galore. Bitter ones, sweet ones, creamy and dry. Durians that melted in mouths and those whose flesh was mushy. It was overkill. But never the less 54-55 fruits were consumed that night...leaving a mountian of empty skin shells for the garbage collector the next morning

An expert durian King can open a fruit with anything, car keys included . Not all Desperados are cowboys . some simple want their durians NOW !!!!!

Durians can illicit the most extreme of emotions! When I was pregnant I refused to allow Jeff to eat durians anywhere near me. Then in my 9th month during one durian season he and a few friends brought a few fruits home and ate them outside the house. But somehow the smell was so strong it permeated the bedroom walls and as I lumbered towards them my baby inside me began to kick. At first the kicks were normal gentle kicks.. but as i got closer and closer to the smell the kicks became alarmingly furious! my friend Jo said " why dont you eat a fruit?Maybe the baby wants some" No way.. I was not going to eat anything in this state. But the kicking did'nt stop and so just for fun I had a seed..as soon as the pulpy flesh touched my tongue the baby's kicks stopped. Coincidence I thought. I got up intending to brush my teeth when suddenly the baby began kicking again!! So I took another seed. After 4 seeds that night my baby decided she'd had enough and allowed me to stop ! Which accounts for her rather large entrance into the world!

Warning to pregnant mothers who eat durian. Your baby will never forgive you if they cannot lose all that durian weight!

Or your child may grow up slightly as crazed as their durian eating parents.

Good durian eating habits start young

Proverbs 22:6Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it

And so is birthed a new generation of durian eating Kings.........

Nahhhhh ! The I wannnnn! I wannn! Generation

2008-10-23T16:19:00.000-07:00

I was at home when a shriek pierced the air. Rudely and loud it crashed my nap time with its wailing. Doors banged and still more screams. I rushed down the stairs and opposite the road I saw another neighbour peering out of her window. " Hah mi su ? ( what's up ) ha mang kow kau an neh? ( Who is crying until like that )?" . It was coming from my adjoining neighbour's house. The bliss of semi-detached urban living.. you get to hear every minuste detail of your fellow neighbour's life.. and I mean everything!! So when the volume is tuned up as it is now.. you hear !

The sounds began to receed to the back of the house and so I went to my kitchen to see if I should be calling the local police soon. Bang Bang Bang " I no wannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn !!!!!! "
sreamed the owner of a pair of lusty lungs.. " Darling darling.. dont cry.. dont cry.. " I heard my neighbour say.. then a deep voice ," ah yah son, you want some ribena ? Come Daddy make ribena for you." Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!! Bang Bang Bang something flew across the room.. " I no WANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!! "

My curiosity was peeked . The parents were'nt scolding the child and they sounded as if they had no conflict.. what on earth was causing the kid to wail in this manner? !

Bang! Bang! Doors slam! Glass shatters.. Piang! By now even my kids are standing with me in the kitchen wondering what all the commotion is about. " I don wannnnnnnnnn!!!! " shrieks shatter our lazy afternoon and by now I am prepared to go ask my neighbour what it is the kid dosent want. But my daughter wisely puts a restraining hand on my arm and says " Mummy , dont kapoh ( be a busy body ) ". " Maybe they need help " I say. " It's just Andrew.. he's always like this. Just wait." says my daughter who has obviously heard all this before.

" Son son darling dont behave like this. Daddy got to finish some work first then Daddy take you" drawls the unflustered Dad from next door. " I WAN NOWWWWWWWWWWW. YAHHHHHHHHHHHHH.. I WAN GO TO THE PARK NOOWWWWWWWW. DADDY YOU TAKE ME NOWWWWWWWWWWWWW AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"" SCREAM SCREAM
bang bang somemore!!

My daughter rolls her eyes " See I told you.. it's nothing. He always like that. He just wants what he wants.. ah go back to sleep lah he will stop now because the Daddy will take him in a little while." and with that she walks off to her room

What? all this fuss to go to a park? It's 3pm on a Sunday afternoon !! And in a little while true enough. The whole family emerges at the gate with their sniffling 4 year old and head for the park.. silence decends and the estate is at peace again. I look up and my other neighbour bangs shut her windows in disgust. Opposite a group of kids had gathered but perhaps when they discover the action has died down , they break up and drift off towards the park hoping to catch the continuation or a fresh saga. A few doors down an old uncle comes to the gate.. " Ah yoh, if that fella my kid ah. sure lah I whallop man.. my whole Sunday afternoon gone ! I thought someone murder the fella ! chech! "

I renter my house and I cant help but think.. I could make millions if I could just capture that moment on Desperate Housewives. A four year old controls his parents with wails , shouts and screams. What will he do when he's 14? Now that to me is something to be Desperate about!

2008-10-23T07:49:00.000-07:00

When did you last tell someone you loved them?

When was the last time you were challenged?

2008-10-23T07:40:00.000-07:00

When was the last time you felt really small?

The wonders of nature

2008-10-23T07:33:00.000-07:00

When was the last time you were utterly speechless.....

Getting from here.. to .. there

2008-10-22T07:59:00.000-07:00

Did I ever tell you I was in a Catholic school from Kindergarten to University? My parents were born in the time when missionaries flourished and Mission schools offered the best education in the land. My father went to ACS in Klang and my mother to another Methodist/ Catholic mission school. Those days the teachers were nuns and full time missionaries . Fathers, Catholic priests ruled the school yard with their rotans and footballs. They were dedicated to raising the heathen not just into higher spiritual states of awareness but convinced that they had sacrificed family , home and comfort for the betterment of young Malaysian lives through education.

Indeed many ambitious , hardworking young people were educated in these old Mission schools and later sent off to the homelands of these Nuns and Fathers to further their education and return as lawyers, doctors, architects and engineers.. the future leaders and founders of Modern Malaysia and Singapore.

My mother’s education was random and rudely interrupted by the advent of the Japanese war. But another form of education took place. She learnt in the days of the Japanese that to be silent was better than to be heard. She learnt that a mouthful of tapioca was better than nothing at all. That if you really needed to eat salt, parts of the earth were salty. Her parents taught her to be still and silent even when her deepest fears crept up on her as Japanese soldiers ransacked their home looking for young girls as she crouched under the old floorboards of their home. She learnt that the fastest way to make friends was to speak the Japanese language and forget the English ways and manners of the Nuns. She learnt to wear her brother’s trousers and not yearn for the pretty skirts of the girls her age for her own safety. And when the war was over.. she was to return to school at the age of 13 to unlearn all that she had learnt.

Her eldest sister , my Aunty M , was a teaching assistant with the Mission school at the time. She insisted that my mum go to school and sit for her Primary School Leaving Exams… but there was a hitch.. mum had left school at the age of 9 or 10.. she had to study everything from Pri 1- 6 in a year. I think given today’s system of education my mum would probably have been sent to a Vocational School ! But with Aunty M’s help and her own determination, my mum not only passed her exams .. she did so with Flying Colours ! In the next years or so, she went on to complete her Senior Cambridge and then applied to be a teacher at the Singapore Teacher’s Training College.. hence her move to Singapore.

It’s quite amazing actually, the tenacity and drive of the older generation. Driven by the sole purpose of looking for a better life and brighter future my mother landed on the shores of Singapore then just another state in the Federation of Malaya. Armed with nothing more that a Senior Cambridge Certificate my mother was to become the first principal of the first Intergrated Malay school in Singapore. Quite a feat for a Chinese kampong girl whose education started at the age of 13.. so my children, with all your tuition , handphones and laptops.. how will you fare? Has the drive and tenacity of past generations been etched into your DNA? Or is life so much easier that challenges are side stepped rather than met? My husband says youth today have grown soft with comfort and lack of moral, spiritual and physical challenges.. I hope not

I believe each generation will have its challenges.. if then, my mother over came the Japanese war, struggled with poverty and education .. tomorrow our children face the prospects of polluted waters, tainted foodstuff, genetically modified foods, an attitude of apathy, morally challenged politicians, a planet suffering from drought and lower food production, over population ,too many graduates applying for the same jobs, terrorists , wars and rumours of wars... the list goes on.

Each generation in not without her plagues and challenges. But it's oftentimes how we overcome that will shape and determine our future. Overcoming takes guts, determination to succeed and hard work. It requiers having the faith to believe that God has a plan for our lives.... something for the instant Maggi noodle generation to think about ...

For Realllllllll !!!! Cross my heart !!

2008-10-22T05:25:00.000-07:00

My daughter has been reading my blog and she asks how come my ghost stories sound like those in Singapore Ghost Stories… I dunno, I never read them the Chinaman and Cleaver encounter is true.. But as I was driving this evening I remembered something else..

My mum and dad had had a huge fight.. magnified by the fact that I was perhaps only 5 or 6 at the time. It was a “ she said he said” thing which I now find perfectly normal to do with my husband . But like I said, parental fights to a 6 year older is like.. the sky falling down on chicken little.

I remember my mother crying and crawling into my bed. She told me that tomorrow we would pack our bags and go up to Klang to visit with her mother for a while. She said we would be going a long time and so I had to sleep well tonight and she would pack all my favourite things tomorrow. I asked her if we were going to drive Papa’s car up to Klang again and that’s when she said “ Your Papa is not coming. We are leaving him behind. I don’t know when we will see him again.”

Heart stopped. Jaw dropped. What’s this? We are leaving Papa at home alone? For how long? “ Sleep girl. Sleep .. tomorrow we take the train.” Sniffed my distraught mother.

That night it felt like the sky did fall down on chicken little. I had no idea what was going on, but even at 6 I knew this was no ordinary fight. As I tried to sleep I turned to face the table light next to my bed and that’s when I saw Him. I recognised Him instantly.. He was the Jesus in my Sunday school class.. the Jesus in my story books.. He looked like Jesus right down to the flowing white gown.

I stared at Him and blinked. I could’nt believe Jesus was sitting on my table next to my night light. I struggled to call my mum who was sniffling but apparently had fallen asleep.. it was just Him and me. I wanted to climb out of bed.. touch Him to see if He was real. He looked at me with kind eyes and said “ I shall never leave you nor forsake you..” then just like that He kinda vanished.

He will never leave me nor forsake me..I had no idea it was a verse from the bible at the time. It was many years later that I was to encounter Him again.. But since Jesus is Jesus.. I don’t count Him as a ghost.. so Yeah Michelle, the Chinaman and his cleaver was my first encounter with a ghost.. even if he was conjured by a frantic house help probably looking for a way to gain some extra vacation time from her Tow Kay Neo.

Hindsight and experience is a wonderful thing. In my more mature state I too have had maids who have pleaded to go home because some dead relative had come a calling in their sleep !

Moving to Kuching

2008-10-21T19:26:00.000-07:00

I came to Sarawak in the 1987. I’d had worked for nearly a year and a half in Singapore after my return as a fresh graduate from the US. My mother had planned for me to buy my first car, my friends were all on a fast track on the corporate ladder. Some were preparing to further their studies and complete their Masters or PHDs. Others were on their way to investing into their first real estate. Some had continued to find jobs after their studies overseas and had no thoughts of returning to sunny Singapore.

It was a time when young Asian women of Singapore were moving up in landscape of modern Singapore. They filled jobs and positions that took them all over the world and would place them on the top lists of many headhunters ( business wise not Sarawakian style ) . Ambition drove them to networking. Work hours ran into the late pm and the hotspots in town were filled with ladies in shoulder padded suits carrying brief cases. Oh yes, the filofax was a big deal , a pre-cursor to today’s PDA. No matter that a small notebook bound in leather with replacable pages cost at least $300/- and above.. it was a must have to keep appointments and important contacts.. woe to the secretary or assistant who lost a page ! It was the era of pre- GIRL POWER!

At the height of all this dynamism.. I decided to get married and not only that.. I decided to get married and move to Sarawak.. GASP!

My mother ( who knew it was coming but nevertheless ) howled about how ungrateful I was and what a huge mistake it had been to send me off to the States. England .. had been her first choice. In England people had a sense of right and wrong, decorum and such But NOOOOO.. she sent me the the US of A because I saked and now I come home corrupted , believing in free will and what not!” What happened to filial piety? Gratitude? What about all the money I spent on you ? Have you no shame? What will the neighbours say?? Next door also like you the only child.. now she Doctor already still she stay with her parents! You go away for four years now want to live in SARAWAK! Why God so unkind to me .. what have I done wrong to deserve such treatment? Better I die lah ! “ ( and you think soap operas are melodramatic.. where do you think their material comes from?!)

My mother retreated in her room . For three days the drama continued. Sighs shattered the eerie silence of our home as my father retreated to his study and I to my corner of the house. We all avoided one another. Each preparing for the storm that was bound to come when Mum finally exhausted her boxes of tissues.

On the third day, she emerged. Teacup in hand and a half box of Kleenex. She walked right past me and went straight into my Dad’s study.. there for nearly an hour I heard them banter. “ She is our daughter and it’s her life.” I heard my dad say.
“ What kind of life will she lead in the jungles of Borneo?? You think lah! It must be the boy and the family “ charm “ her. Make her stupid and reject us for his family . My friends all tell me it is NOT possible she wants to go there . She live all her life in a big city. We send her to USA then now want to go where ? Kuching Sarawak !! What kind of life will she live?? !! What will people say ? “ shrieked my mum.

Then the voices grew quiet. That was when I started to panick. All this conversation I could predict but silence meant strategies were being formed against me… oh Lord help.

I ran out of the house. There were no handphones at the time and I needed to find some comfort somewhere. I called a friend. “ Su you are the only child . What did you expect? Anyway you are still young. Why on earth would you want to marry and live in Sarawak? Why don’t you get him to find a job here in Singapore? Ermm hold on, Yes, Yes I want the artwork on my desk.. by 4pm..no later..Ok sorry, these people just don’t know how to keep deadlines. Well ok, so what are your plans? Do you really think you can survive over there??”

“ Well I like Sara- wak an..” but I get cut off.“ Ah yah Su, you have a degree. You have education. Your parents only have you.What kind of life will it be for you ..what about job prospects? Oh darn, David, David take this and pass it to accounts immediately Immidiately ! ..ermm ok, so tell me how you feel about the whole thing” “ Well,, I would like to give Sarawak a try after all….” But she cuts in again. “ No, no you are not thinking with your head. Men are so many . So easy to find. How do you know he’s the one? You see I have no men in my life.. free and easy.. I am not tied down to anyone . I have no curfews on my time. What I earn I enjoy.. you’re so young.. your parents will be lonely . My God, where is Kuching? What will people say ? What ? ok, erm Su I’d love to talk but I have to go now, my boss just called. It will be ok. Just stay here and marry later . Just think what other people will say. ok bye.” Nnnnnnnnnnnggggggggg the dead tone rings in my ear.. no help there.

But that’s when it hit me. The impact of my decision was not merely about myself and my family. Because this is Singapore.. it will involve all the aunties the uncles and even the Thangachii who sweeps the road side near our house. And then as if on a magical que.. the old aunty roadsweeper passes me. I call out a greeting and she shakes her head at me with sad eyes “ Ai yoh yoh. Ai yoh yoh you young people these days..” and walks away.. wow news sure travels fast.

Ironic. My Asian parents send me to a Western country to learn and live in a western culture . At home we drink tea and have biscuits at 4pm ( a legacy of their own educational stint in Liverpool England ). When we have family dinner their conversation visits every part of the globe and the governments of other lands are pronounced backward and “ stuck in old times” . But today, Asianess rules and although Sarawak is only a 45minute flight from Singapore it’s spoken of as if I have chosen to live in Siberia.

My educated sophisticated friends can think of no other argument except “ what will people think and what career opportunities I would miss”. My aunts and uncles will look upon me as the ungrateful child who never made something of herself.

It dawned on me that I had decision to make. I was not simply asking their permission to marry. I was informing them of my intent. I struggle with that decision a long time before I return home. Flashes of past conversations about ghosts and hauntings ring loud in my head. My mother’s threats that even the ghost of my dead grandparents will rise up in ire. Listening to these thoughts in my head I think, what the heck. I have lived with them all my life.. perhaps they may like Sarawak too.

American Ghosts to a cinah girh... ( girl )

2008-10-21T04:24:00.000-07:00

The ghosts in America had names... Fredy Kruger, The flying Dutchman, Carrie.. they were violent and malevolent.. they had been wronged and had returned for revenge. Unlike the Chinaman they were not seeking rest.. they longed for blood of those who presecuted them! They were interactive ghosts !!!

As a student I loved the American outdoors. I had consumed Enid Blyton books I had imagined every nook , every tree house, every wild wooded out-door adventure you could possibly cook up. I loved sleeping under the stars, listening to the night owl and listening to the splash of the otter in the Wisconsin lake.. Then... they brought me to watch the Chainsaw Massacres..Night mare on Elm street..every shadow in the woods began to take on an odd shape. I thought I had escaped the Flying Chinaman and his haunted cleaver but no .. the ghosts in America lived on streets, in Highschools and on camp grounds. In phone boothes, bathtubs and abandoned motels!

Who was the fool who said " ghosts can't chase you over water.." Probably a chinese spiritualist who never travelled !

The more I read about them.. the more I watched them my world became smaller. I never enjoyed camping again as I watched the woods suspicious that someone would know what I did last summer. If I lived on a street.. I'd make sure it was any other kinda wood except Elm. If I met a Carrie in any one of my classes , I made sure I treated her very well..and if Jeff and I travelled.. I made sure our Motel room was close to the road so that if anything should happen I'd be able to run for help !!

Fear is a terrible thing. It cripples you and it plays with your mind. Like a cat toying with a mouse.. it eats you up from the inside out..It limits your confidence and the ability to enjoy the moment because you are constantly thinking of what's the next bad thing that's going to happen. Fear creates Ghosts where there are none...and suddenly you're being haunted even thou no one you know is dead..

Ghosts of the past

2008-10-21T03:51:00.000-07:00

Here in Borneo, Sarawak specifically the ghosts are different.. some are headless and some have the power to make you do things you dont want to do... others roam homes and have territorial rights over pieces of land.. some are stuffed in clay jars the height of an average man..some have heads without bodies and bodies without heads.. whatever they are like they have more of a presence here than in Singapore...This is the land of " charms" and magic.. where a love potions can make a married man stay with you, where spells cast can make the occupants of a house sleep in deep slumber as the " orang minyak" slip quietly into your home and rob you blind.. shudder the ghosts here are pro-active as they slip int and out of human form !

My friend Jennifer had lived all her life in the US of A and she married a man who eventually relocated her to Kuching Sarawak. Many of us were amazed by her move.. was it love? Was it a call of God? What on earth would she come here for ( remember this was nearly 25 years ago, Sarawak had no malls and the airport was next to an abattoir !) She said ," My husband told me that Sarawak was a tropic isle, similar to Hawaii ." And with that she packed her bags.. looked forward to long tropical beaches , blue sparkling waters and natives that had orchids round their necks.. But upon arrival she found a strip of land with coconuts at the end of an airport run way, an airport that smelt of pigs when the wind drifted the wrong way and a household of in laws who only spoke Hakkah. She was a long way from home.

My encounter with Kuching was less traumatic. For one, I'd visited the Botanical Gardens often enough. The Bukit Timah Forest reserves were also near my home in Singapore.. I could deal with the trees and surrounding jungle. I was quite excited actually. I remember asking Jeff " Hey for our honeymoon let's go to Borneo.. I hear it's nearby." My husband looked at me incredulously and said " You're already there.. Sarawak in ON the island of Borneo darling."

But where ever I went the old Ghosts followed me.. for me it was things unfinished in Singapore. Highschool encounters I could'nt forget, good friends turned bad, soured relations with an embittered mother, bittersweet memories that rose each time I thought I missed home. They followed me , engaging me at the oddest of times.. something I'd cook, a smell in the markets that reminded me of mum, a voice on the radio that sounded like Gillian, a dog on the street that looked like a pet I had a long time ago.. from no where these ghosts of my past.. lured me .

Flying chinamen , cleavers and ghosts

2008-10-21T01:45:00.000-07:00

I can remember the night I first met a ghost. He was a china man with a long pigtail. His eyes were bloodshot red, his lips curled back to show his sharp white teeth. His short arms held a cleaver and his rage was felt more than seen.

It was a typical Hollywood nightmare scene with thunder , lightning and lashings of rain. My mum had just returned from somewhere and it was nearly 9pm ..I remember as she was putting me to sleep ..when Ah Chan our house help at the time ran into the main house screaming that the Kwei had come to her window and was pounding it to be let in. I was terrified that the Kwei had actually entered her being as she flailed her arms, hair flying all over her own face, the whites of her eyes overtaking the black..spittle flew in all directions as she screamed and described the ghost who had come knocking on her window with a cleaver.

My mother very quickly took her to another room and told me to play on my own. Ha ! Play on my own!... outside my window the lightning was fast and furious and through the branches of the star fruit tree I thought I saw a shadowy form armed with a cleaver.. I shot out of bed and ran down the hall . I watched as my mother poured out some brown stuff.. which I later learnt was Brandy and tried all manner of ways to calm AH Chan down.

Through her gulps of Brandy Ah Chan described the ghost .. He had come from China to seek his fortune in the Tin mines of Malaysia. Every month he had sent his money home to his parents in China . Then one day, a friend who had enticed him with drink and gambling, tricked him into investing in a piece of land which eventually turned out to be an acre’s worth of swamp. In a fit of rage and anger the Ghost man bought a brand new cleaver and went to his friend’s home.. and with supernatural strength he killed every one in that home and placed each family members 'head in a grisly fashion on the Chinese altar of the home. Then he calmly tied a hang man’s noose in the middle of the family room or the house and hung himself.

That was a lot to get out of a ghost in such a short encounter.. what had Ah Chan done ? Had tea with the ghost and let it lay bare it’s soul to her?.. My mother must have thought the same thing as she asked “ AH Chan , how do you know all this ?” “ Ah yah Tau Kay Neo ( Boss Lady ), He is my sister’s husband lah. When he die my sister so shame she no want to bury him. She say let the police throw him into a box enough. He bring so big shame now she got no face to go outside. But I tell her he your husband . He ghost will be lost if we no bury him properly. People die like that also people. You his wife must give him proper funeral. Ah Yoh, you see now his ghost no peace . Every night come and tell me to ask my sister bury him. Tonight, maybe he cannot stand anymore come to my window! Ah yah hou sway ! ( so cursed )”

“ You know the only way now is I go to see his people. He got some cousin in Batu Pahat . I give them some money to ask the Chinese priest to pray for him. But I only got address .. there got no telephone. Ah yah, so mah fan ( inconvient), but Tau Kay Neo if I don’t do like this he come to your house every night or..please you give me 2 days to go to Batu Pahat look for his people.”

The next morning my mother gave Ah Chan an advance in her salary and sent her off to the bus station. I half wondered who the ghost would speak to now that she was gone and wanted to ask Ah Chan if she had remembered to tell her brother in law she was going to be away.. what if he came again tonight? Who’s window would he bang on?

I stayed awake all night . I listened to imagined sounds of screams in the night, looked for tell tale signs of shadows with pigtails. Once I thought I heard an insistent tapping at the window and ran to take refuge in my parents big bed. That experience opened my mind to the “ other “ world.

From Yusoff the gardener I learnt about Pontianaks living in the Banana trees in our back garden. His wife Ramla told me of nights when they could hear the Pontianaks screaming like Banshees especially when she had just given birth ( Pontianaks are women ghosts who have lost their children at childbirth or have commited suicide while pregnant.. they were female vampires that specialised in seducing men ). If a new born baby was not well taken care of the Pontianak would come and steal it’s soul leaving it to grow up like a zombie.

At school my friends taught me that we could talk to ghosts.. using the Ouiji Board. My own mother when she was very upset with me would shout “ When I die I will come back and haunt you. Now ask you to learn to cook .You don’t wan. Wait next time I die you want me to wake up from my grave to slave over you hand and foot!”

Or an old favourite “ When I die I will bring my mother and father to show them what an ungrateful and naughty child you are “ she used to rant. My young mind was filled with impossibly possible things. Flying ghosts, cleaver yielding china men, beautiful yet dreadful pregnant dead women…they soon became oddly familiar . The Malays would tell me stories about the Ponitanaks, the Chinese always had violent and tragic ghosts and the Indians…their ghosts inhabited trees, lakes and forests!! I grew up very aware and always looking for something I felt must be lurking around.. especially if I were in Asia.. because in America, the ghosts were different.